What I’ve learned in “20 Years” of Recovery
June 2023
My disease was driven by my low self-esteem and high fear of failure. I was a slave to the devious, manipulative, secretive, and insecure mind that told me; I was not enough. I wore mask after mask trying to fit in, trying to be someone I was not. I was paralyzed with fear of losing what I had or not getting what I wanted. My financial insecurities drove me to egregiously poor decision-making. I was arrested in my relational & spiritual development with myself and others because nothing I did was authentic. I blew up some of the most cherished relationships I’ve ever known because I was completely self-absorbed and untrustworthy.
In my 20-year run into the progression of my dis-ease, I ran further and further away from God and tried desperately to live through my own self-will. I was a clown and a shell of a man; Everything in my life was a lie, a deception, a maladaptive approach to coping with my own insecurities and fear. I fully recognize that I should not and would not be alive today without God’s grace. God’s removal of the obsessions in my mind that owned my soul freed me to simply be the best version of my authentic self with each day that I’m gifted.
Today, after 20 years of daily surrender & recovery I’m truly comfortable in the unknowing. What’s not lost on me as well is that the very same awareness of not having all the answers (the unknowing) is what has now driven my recovery for 2 decades. Today, I’m constantly curious. I’m thirsty to learn something new each day. I’m radically vulnerable in every area of my life, both at home and in my professional life. I’m no longer desirous of trying to get everyone in this crazy world to like me. I’ve grown to understand the value of service to others and never be responsible for the results, good or bad.
What matters to me are my relationships. Primarily my relationship with self. I’ve found that happiness and contentment are inside the job. That I’m in charge of my own peace. My bride Stacy Lee teaches me every day how to love. Stacy Lee feels everything. She is as gifted a healer as anyone I’ve ever known. She is a light that exudes safety & acceptance to everyone she encounters. She does not judge. Experiencing life with Stacy Lee continues to be one of the greatest gifts of my life.
As important as anything, my recovery has allowed me to show up for all my kids as a father they can count on to listen and offer them feedback when requested. This could have all been missed. I truly love my children and my stepchildren. We have made some beautiful memories. They have all become thriving young adults with dreams, aspirations, and goals for each of their precious lives. These new “friendships” mean more to me than anything life has ever offered up. Watching them grow into their individual and authentic selves has no doubt been the greatest adventure of my life. They are each unique, loving, and highly engaged individuals whom I simply could not be proud of. Under our roof, we hold safe and sacred space for one another within a tapestry of laughter, acceptance, kindness, and of course lots of painting, board games, and Legos! It’s truly been fun!
I’ve learned that every single day is a gift. Each day when I roll out of bed, I see my bride and our three, four-legged friends all spooning together and know that I’m right where I want to be. From there, I’m gifted to head to this special little place called “Momenta Recovery” to hold a safe & loving space for courageous women to heal. Though I could never have imagined this for myself, I’m certain I’m exactly where I am supposed to be.